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April 20, 2007
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As the city lights
fade beneath our scarlet wings,
I pluck them from the sky
and add them to the gemstones
adorning my fingers.
They soon lose their lustre,
bewildered pinpricks
in a blanket of dark,
as we wing onwards
clouds obscuring
until these darts of bright
are lost to my tired eyes.
.
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:iconstruco:
Struco Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2007
I take it "grey shrouds my soul" was taken out? That's probably a good idea. The current neding is way superior.

I love this poem. I love short, snappy poems. I love interesting, vivid, imagery which squashes literalism and metaphor into an indistinguishable putty like that.
"scarlet wings" confused me at first (the 'scarlet' bit, I mean), but I get it now in light of the aeroplane illumination. I wonder if perhaps there is a more apparently-aeroplaneish adjective that might suffice (severe nit-picking. I apologise).
It's the lines "I pluck them from the sky / and add them to the gemstones / adorning my fingers." that I really love. Such vivid, faux-literal imagery. It's just lovely : )
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:icona-random-quigle:
a-random-quigle Featured By Owner May 14, 2007
Still love that first image... such an unusual image... and it makes those far away city lights seem like something so intimate... so small, so accessible. Reminds me of childhood, how anything can seem possible.

I'm not sure about the final line. Perhaps simply because I'm always wary of words like shrouds and soul, particularly in the one line... always seems to me to be bordering on the cliche.

I wonder if you should give some sort of hint about the airplane thing. Something in the title might be enough- like "City Lights as Seen from an Aiplane"... though that's awfully verbose. It wasn't clear to me at all when I first read it. I was a little puzzled... and imagined a sort of fairytale thing with people riding red birds or something. On the other, perhaps the ambiguity doesn't matter?

Overall, you've done a wonderful job here... really lovely. I like it even more on the second reading.
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:icontangerinedreams:
tangerinedreams Featured By Owner May 14, 2007
Yeah, the grey shrouds my soul line is crap, but I can't think of anything else to put there! I really need to do something about it. Thanks for the input!
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:icona-random-quigle:
a-random-quigle Featured By Owner May 16, 2007
My pleasure...

I'm sure you'll come up with something eventually. Usually I come back to a poem after a few weeks and find I'm miraculously able to solve problems that I'd spent hours scrtching my head to no avail about previously.
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:icontheobviouschild:
TheObviousChild Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2007
I really like this, though I'm not sure who the speaker is... I'm thinking angels? Because of the wings... but then, I'm also thinking maybe it's an embodiment of twilight or something. Am I way off the mark? Sorry, I'm just making up silly imaginings to go with all these nice images.

Quigle is right, the first image is lovely. I expected this to be about the bookstore, so it was a surprise to find it actually about city lights, literally. But a nice one. The first two lines really paint a picture, it's very clear in my imagination, this red sky. I love the words you've chosen to use, particularly 'lustre', and the use of the verb 'to wing.' Those little bit and pieces give it a bit of an archaeic feel, they're old, not-used words and I like those :heart:.
Oh oh, also 'bright' as a noun. Nice.

It's pretty Poetic (note the capital P) evocative lovely.
I just wish I knew who was speaking!
(Maybe its just you. The wings confused me. I think I'm just making life difficult for myself)
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:icontangerinedreams:
tangerinedreams Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2007
It's just me...I wrote it on the airplane. But it probably would be much cooler if it was an angel! Hey, now you know what it's like to look out at city lights from an airplane window, but I suppose you will be finding that out soon enough!
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:icontheobviouschild:
TheObviousChild Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2007
Oooh now I get it with the wings! Suddenly becomes obvious, and I am a dumb-ass x
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:icona-random-quigle:
a-random-quigle Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2007
The first image is lovely.
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